The good news is, I lost all the weight I gained on vacation. I am now down to my lowest weight since beginning this blog. I can't say that I am eating mindfully. But I am trying to wait until I am hungry to eat. I am basically only eating twice a day and not nearly so much food. Much of the literature says that smaller more frequent meals are a better way to go. But I find that just makes me focus too much on the food and my body really doesn't want that. It doesn't get hungry that often. Maybe when it has less stored fuel it will want food more often although when I was a child and very thin, there were many times I would go all day without eating until supper time. I just didn't think about it. I was too busy doing other things. If I did get hungry, the hunger pangs would go away fairly quickly. And I wasn't worried about it.
Now, for whatever reason, I have a fear of hunger. And yet there has never been a time in my life that I haven't had access to food. By becoming hungry this last week, and exploring that feeling, I have lost some of my fear. And I realize the fear of hunger isn't just about food. It is fear of hunger in relationships and love. The fear of being too needy. The fear of not needing enough. The fear of losing myself, not losing myself, the fear of communicating in an honest and open way. My friend, W and I were talking about it this last week at breakfast. He says that relationships become closer when you tell the truth. I told him I hated the place we always go for breakfast. He laughed, said we never have to go there again, and our relationship is an inch closer for that exchange.
But where is the line between being honest and being selfish? Or is there a line. Am I just being self protective trying to claim it is selflessness. I think about my life and the few times I have been honest in relationships. Nothing bad has ever happened. The relationship always became closer. Just like I never die from being hungry.
Autumn is my favorite time of year. For me it means new beginnings. My sister Susan shared with me that someone suggested to her that we are always beginning. And I know that to be true. Every day, every moment, is a new beginning.
In the fall, I always have a craving for caramel. Thankfully, I have not been able to find the Kraft Caramels, because I end up eating the whole bag even when I become physically ill from it. I also love hot fudge. Every since I can remember. My favorite story in grade school was about the princess who wanted something as cold as winter and hot as summer. A hot fudge sunday of course. Now I eat turtle sundays, caramel and hot fudge. I have made caramel sauce before when I have made the apple cake from the Women of Great Taste cookbook. But it never really occur to me to make it for dipping apples and it never, ever occurred to me that I could make hot fudge from scratch. I am very picky about my hot fudge. Hate chocolate sauce and most jared hot fudge. My favorite is Mrs. Richardson's. And we have a local candy store here in Chicago that makes a good hot fudge. So my maiden voyage, I picked an easy recipe from Allrecipies.com. Just sweetened condense milk and chocolate. I used chocolate chips and added a little vanilla. It was good. Next time I will use better chocolate. I have made a couple of caramel sauces. Last night I used brown sugar and half and half. But previously I used coconut milk and honey and actually liked that one better. Odd thing for a woman trying to lose 100 pounds to talk about. But I am not going to deprived myself any more. I only ate one bowl of ice-cream. Usually it is at least two. I may go 6 months now before I want more ice-cream and hot fudge. Or it might be tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Changing Directions, Sort of
Last week (the past Monday) was a disaster at the scale. I had been on vacation and gained much of what I had lost. It was also the beginning of what I am calling my semi retirement.
Restricting food does not seem to be doing it for me. I am struggling with the constant feeling of deprivation. I don't do well with deprivation. I start to feel sorry for myself and eat what ever I can get my hands on. And being on vacation always has seemed to signal a time to let down my guard and enjoy myself which means eating what ever I want. So bouncing between deprivation and "vacation" from restricting, is a recipe for disaster as I saw last week.
So...I am going to try something else. Something called mindful eating. This is not new for me. I have done it in the past. I have an author that I particularly love, Geneen Roth, who is all about eating mindfully. I have read every one of her books.
The basic idea is to follow you body's signals instead of your head's. You eat only when you are hungry. You are allowed to eat what ever you want as long as you do it mindfully. You are fully aware of what you are putting in your mouth, how it tastes, feels, smells and even sounds and you stop when you are no longer hungry. It hasn't worked for me. Part of the problem is I can't always tell when I am hungry. I seldom eat out of hunger. I seldom allow myself to get hungry. Physically hungry anyway. A theory is that we eat food when we are really hungry for other things, love, contact, attention. And while I have worked at putting more of those in my life, I continue to over eat.
So what now? The only thing I know to do is to begin again. To try to get a better understanding of my relationship with food and how I can substitute other things when I am not physically hungry. This week, I have simply tried to allow myself to be hungry. Sometimes, especially in the mornings, I can go a long time before I feel the physical huger. Sometimes instead of hunger, I just feel nauseous. Sometimes I go all day without eating and I start to feel shaky from lack of food. And sometimes the physical hunger hits me like a hammer and I have to eat something immediately.
The other difficulty with only eating when I am physically hungry is that it isn't always convenient. At work, it is sometime difficult to stop and eat when I am hungry. Sometimes I have to eat before I get hungry because that is the time I am slotted to eat. Or I go out to dinner with friends. How can I sit there and not eat if I am not hungry, only to get hungry and hour later. Things to work out. For now, I am going to be aware of my hunger. I am still going to try to eat mostly unprocessed food and steer away from grains and sugar. But if sugar is what my body wants, I will give it to it. As long as I do it mindfully, enjoying each bite and stopping when I no longer want it. If I truly am mindful, that is sometimes after one or two bites.
My other concern is my semi retirement. What to do with it. How to not waste days on end. I have decided to prioritize things that I need and or want to be doing. My top priority will be my walking. To get in my 10,000 to 12,000 steps a day. That will effect everything else in my life. If you don't have your health as they say. My second priority is going to be my writing, whether it is journaling, blogging or some other writing. My third priority is my relationships. While this doesn't seem to be much of a problem for me on some levels (those people I see on a regular basis) there are others that I neglect. I am thinking mostly about family here. I am going to work harder at this. And last, though still a priority is my photography. I need to spend time organizing, editing and improving my photos. Note I did not list housekeeping as a priority. I think letting go of this is as a priority is a positive thing for me. It will get done in some form or the other anyway.
Restricting food does not seem to be doing it for me. I am struggling with the constant feeling of deprivation. I don't do well with deprivation. I start to feel sorry for myself and eat what ever I can get my hands on. And being on vacation always has seemed to signal a time to let down my guard and enjoy myself which means eating what ever I want. So bouncing between deprivation and "vacation" from restricting, is a recipe for disaster as I saw last week.
So...I am going to try something else. Something called mindful eating. This is not new for me. I have done it in the past. I have an author that I particularly love, Geneen Roth, who is all about eating mindfully. I have read every one of her books.
The basic idea is to follow you body's signals instead of your head's. You eat only when you are hungry. You are allowed to eat what ever you want as long as you do it mindfully. You are fully aware of what you are putting in your mouth, how it tastes, feels, smells and even sounds and you stop when you are no longer hungry. It hasn't worked for me. Part of the problem is I can't always tell when I am hungry. I seldom eat out of hunger. I seldom allow myself to get hungry. Physically hungry anyway. A theory is that we eat food when we are really hungry for other things, love, contact, attention. And while I have worked at putting more of those in my life, I continue to over eat.
So what now? The only thing I know to do is to begin again. To try to get a better understanding of my relationship with food and how I can substitute other things when I am not physically hungry. This week, I have simply tried to allow myself to be hungry. Sometimes, especially in the mornings, I can go a long time before I feel the physical huger. Sometimes instead of hunger, I just feel nauseous. Sometimes I go all day without eating and I start to feel shaky from lack of food. And sometimes the physical hunger hits me like a hammer and I have to eat something immediately.
The other difficulty with only eating when I am physically hungry is that it isn't always convenient. At work, it is sometime difficult to stop and eat when I am hungry. Sometimes I have to eat before I get hungry because that is the time I am slotted to eat. Or I go out to dinner with friends. How can I sit there and not eat if I am not hungry, only to get hungry and hour later. Things to work out. For now, I am going to be aware of my hunger. I am still going to try to eat mostly unprocessed food and steer away from grains and sugar. But if sugar is what my body wants, I will give it to it. As long as I do it mindfully, enjoying each bite and stopping when I no longer want it. If I truly am mindful, that is sometimes after one or two bites.
My other concern is my semi retirement. What to do with it. How to not waste days on end. I have decided to prioritize things that I need and or want to be doing. My top priority will be my walking. To get in my 10,000 to 12,000 steps a day. That will effect everything else in my life. If you don't have your health as they say. My second priority is going to be my writing, whether it is journaling, blogging or some other writing. My third priority is my relationships. While this doesn't seem to be much of a problem for me on some levels (those people I see on a regular basis) there are others that I neglect. I am thinking mostly about family here. I am going to work harder at this. And last, though still a priority is my photography. I need to spend time organizing, editing and improving my photos. Note I did not list housekeeping as a priority. I think letting go of this is as a priority is a positive thing for me. It will get done in some form or the other anyway.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Moving forward, I hope.
Last week, some how I was down 2 pounds. Total of nine pounds. I suspect I will gain those 2 back this week, though I have two days before official weight in so I would be very pleased if I just stayed the same.
I have been on vacation and it has been a full week. The highlights were dinner with my friend, Ro on Monday, apple picking with Kate on Tuesday and Door County for 2 days with my friend, Judy. Unfortunately the weather did not do us any favors in Door County. It turned cold and rainy. We saw the sun for only brief moments. The accommodations that I set up were not as expected, and my planning was less than great. Judy and I are much alike. She told me of a trip to Mexico with friends and one of the women had every thing planned out to a T. They saw some great things and had a great time. But I am not a planner by nature. I love to go places with people who are. Still I enjoyed the company and got a few pictures to add to my collection. The other problem we had was both of us are directionally challenged and got lost more than a few times. Thanks to modern technology, we did not get lost for long. By the way if anyone goes to Door County skip Washington Island. The ferry ride was nice. And perhaps if we had, had time to take the boat ride to the smaller island it would have been good, but Martha's Vineyard is was not.
When I woke up this morning at home, I felt lost. I knew where I was, but had no idea where I was going. I looked around and the house looked O.K. Not a lot cleaning I to do. I have plans for tonight and tomorrow, so it wasn't a lack of activities to look forward to. I just felt directionless. So, I sat down and made out a todo list. Not just for today, but added some projects I need to complete. I felt better. I accomplished a few things on the list. I made a new recipe for grainless apple breakfast cake. Turned out not too bad. I think I will be eating it the rest of the week for breakfast. Then I took a nap. I find I am napping a lot but it has to do more with this directionless feeling than anything else. The sun was out earlier and I should have been too. I have always said that I will have no trouble finding things to do when I retire, but if this semi retirement is any indication I might be wrong. Perhaps, I just need to give myself a little time and a little space.
I have been on vacation and it has been a full week. The highlights were dinner with my friend, Ro on Monday, apple picking with Kate on Tuesday and Door County for 2 days with my friend, Judy. Unfortunately the weather did not do us any favors in Door County. It turned cold and rainy. We saw the sun for only brief moments. The accommodations that I set up were not as expected, and my planning was less than great. Judy and I are much alike. She told me of a trip to Mexico with friends and one of the women had every thing planned out to a T. They saw some great things and had a great time. But I am not a planner by nature. I love to go places with people who are. Still I enjoyed the company and got a few pictures to add to my collection. The other problem we had was both of us are directionally challenged and got lost more than a few times. Thanks to modern technology, we did not get lost for long. By the way if anyone goes to Door County skip Washington Island. The ferry ride was nice. And perhaps if we had, had time to take the boat ride to the smaller island it would have been good, but Martha's Vineyard is was not.
When I woke up this morning at home, I felt lost. I knew where I was, but had no idea where I was going. I looked around and the house looked O.K. Not a lot cleaning I to do. I have plans for tonight and tomorrow, so it wasn't a lack of activities to look forward to. I just felt directionless. So, I sat down and made out a todo list. Not just for today, but added some projects I need to complete. I felt better. I accomplished a few things on the list. I made a new recipe for grainless apple breakfast cake. Turned out not too bad. I think I will be eating it the rest of the week for breakfast. Then I took a nap. I find I am napping a lot but it has to do more with this directionless feeling than anything else. The sun was out earlier and I should have been too. I have always said that I will have no trouble finding things to do when I retire, but if this semi retirement is any indication I might be wrong. Perhaps, I just need to give myself a little time and a little space.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Scattered thoughts
This is my day so far. I slept pretty well if you don't count waking up every hour or two. Went back to sleep right away and feel fairly rested. I did not feel well yesterday and slept much of the day. I called in sick about 6 am this morning because we have enough staff on today and I have been working a lot and am burnt out. More on that later.
I got up and did my oil pull. I think it is helping my gums. Eventually my whole body hopefully. I have only been doing it a week or so. I think things should be perfect by now. A new friend talked about walking and what good exercise it is and how in 6 months, I will feel great. Six months? What about today and tomorrow? While I was doing the oil pull I played Spider and Free Cell.
Next I nibbled on left over popcorn and thought about going down to do laundry. Then I remembered my online photography class starts today. So I read part of the first lesson on design. There are 4 major elements. Line, texture, color and pattern. So I got out my camera and tripod and take photos of my left over chicken noodle soup from last night. Thinking texture. As I am struggling with the tripod and what point of view is best and the lighting and trying to get the focus crystal clear, it all seemed a lot of work to me. Maybe I really am just a point and shooter. Up loaded the pictures and I got one or two really sharp images so I feel better.
Next I realize I haven't checked my phone lately so I have a text from a friend who says she may not make the brunch on Sunday because she is in the hospital with some mysterious swelling in her hand. And I think about my other friend who had surgery for bladder cancer yesterday. I text back and forth with my friend that is in the hospital and then read my relevant emails. I find one from my sister Susan who says I need to check out a book. I think she said go to the library. I don't remember the last time I went to the library. Amazon has a Kindle version for 5 bucks which is what it would cost me to get back and forth on the bus to the library anyway and I don't have to worry about late fines. So I read a couple of pages and then decide I need to sit down and blog which I had intended to do yesterday but just didn't have the energy for. I write many blogs in my head that never get on paper. So here I am blogging, thinking I should put in a load of wash and am getting hungry with little to nothing in the house to eat I can't walk far today because I am fitbit friends with my boss and if I log in too many steps she will know I am not really sick.
This is why I have trouble accomplishing anything. This is my mind going a hundred miles a minute. But I am writing a blog on my new Apple laptop which I like but is frustrating at the same time because I am use to PC's.
Oh one other thing from this morning. I get a notification form someone on Facebook. A childhood friend who I have been avoiding. She wants my phone number. She wants to talk. I don't want to talk to her. And I feel bad about that. Long story. But when I think of this woman, I realize how lucky I was growing up with sane parents who loved me.
Going back to the beginning of this blog, I am starting half time at work after my vacation next week. The schedule looks both scary an exciting the same time. I may pick up extra days but they will be of my choosing. I still have to work every other weekend, but that is the life of a nurse. I have decided that when I turn 66 I will sell all of my belongings, buy a car and go visit people. I think I have 52 people in my life that I could spend a week with. I don't expect to be fed, just lodging in exchange for good company and photographs.
I lost a pound this week. Going in the right direction even if I am still struggling with my eating.
I got up and did my oil pull. I think it is helping my gums. Eventually my whole body hopefully. I have only been doing it a week or so. I think things should be perfect by now. A new friend talked about walking and what good exercise it is and how in 6 months, I will feel great. Six months? What about today and tomorrow? While I was doing the oil pull I played Spider and Free Cell.
Next I nibbled on left over popcorn and thought about going down to do laundry. Then I remembered my online photography class starts today. So I read part of the first lesson on design. There are 4 major elements. Line, texture, color and pattern. So I got out my camera and tripod and take photos of my left over chicken noodle soup from last night. Thinking texture. As I am struggling with the tripod and what point of view is best and the lighting and trying to get the focus crystal clear, it all seemed a lot of work to me. Maybe I really am just a point and shooter. Up loaded the pictures and I got one or two really sharp images so I feel better.
Next I realize I haven't checked my phone lately so I have a text from a friend who says she may not make the brunch on Sunday because she is in the hospital with some mysterious swelling in her hand. And I think about my other friend who had surgery for bladder cancer yesterday. I text back and forth with my friend that is in the hospital and then read my relevant emails. I find one from my sister Susan who says I need to check out a book. I think she said go to the library. I don't remember the last time I went to the library. Amazon has a Kindle version for 5 bucks which is what it would cost me to get back and forth on the bus to the library anyway and I don't have to worry about late fines. So I read a couple of pages and then decide I need to sit down and blog which I had intended to do yesterday but just didn't have the energy for. I write many blogs in my head that never get on paper. So here I am blogging, thinking I should put in a load of wash and am getting hungry with little to nothing in the house to eat I can't walk far today because I am fitbit friends with my boss and if I log in too many steps she will know I am not really sick.
This is why I have trouble accomplishing anything. This is my mind going a hundred miles a minute. But I am writing a blog on my new Apple laptop which I like but is frustrating at the same time because I am use to PC's.
Oh one other thing from this morning. I get a notification form someone on Facebook. A childhood friend who I have been avoiding. She wants my phone number. She wants to talk. I don't want to talk to her. And I feel bad about that. Long story. But when I think of this woman, I realize how lucky I was growing up with sane parents who loved me.
Going back to the beginning of this blog, I am starting half time at work after my vacation next week. The schedule looks both scary an exciting the same time. I may pick up extra days but they will be of my choosing. I still have to work every other weekend, but that is the life of a nurse. I have decided that when I turn 66 I will sell all of my belongings, buy a car and go visit people. I think I have 52 people in my life that I could spend a week with. I don't expect to be fed, just lodging in exchange for good company and photographs.
I lost a pound this week. Going in the right direction even if I am still struggling with my eating.
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