The Turnaround

The good news is, I lost all the weight I gained on vacation.  I am now down to my lowest weight since beginning this blog.  I can't say that I am eating mindfully.  But I am trying to wait until I am hungry to eat.  I am basically only eating twice a day and not nearly so much food.  Much of the literature says that smaller more frequent meals are a better way to go.  But I find that just makes me focus too much on the food and my body really doesn't want that.  It doesn't get hungry that often.  Maybe when it has less stored fuel it will want food more often although when I was a child and very thin, there were many times I would go all day without eating until supper time.  I just didn't think about it.  I was too busy doing other things.  If I did get hungry, the hunger pangs would go away fairly quickly.  And I wasn't worried about it.

Now, for whatever reason, I have a fear of hunger.  And yet there has never been a time in my life that I haven't had access to food.  By becoming hungry this last week, and exploring that feeling, I have lost some of my fear.  And I realize the fear of hunger isn't just about food.  It is fear of hunger in relationships and love.  The fear of being too needy.  The fear of not needing enough.  The fear of losing myself, not losing myself, the fear of communicating in an honest and open way.  My friend, W and I were talking about it this last week at breakfast.  He says that relationships become closer when you tell the truth.  I told him I hated the place we always go for breakfast.  He laughed, said we never have to go there again, and our relationship is an inch closer for that exchange.

But where is the line between being honest and being selfish?  Or is there a line.  Am I just being self protective trying to claim it is selflessness.  I think about my life and the few times I have been honest in relationships. Nothing bad has ever happened.  The relationship always became closer.  Just like I never die from being hungry.

Autumn is my favorite time of year.  For me it means new beginnings.  My sister Susan shared with me that someone suggested to her that we are always beginning.  And I know that to be true.  Every day, every moment, is a new beginning.

In the fall, I always have a craving for caramel.  Thankfully, I have not been able to find the Kraft Caramels, because I end up eating the whole bag even when I become physically ill from it.  I also love hot fudge.  Every since I can remember.  My favorite story in grade school was about the princess who wanted something as cold as winter and hot as summer.  A hot fudge sunday of course.  Now I eat turtle sundays, caramel and hot fudge.  I have made caramel sauce before when I have made the apple cake from the Women of Great Taste cookbook.  But it never really occur to me to make it for dipping apples and it never, ever occurred to me that I could make hot fudge from scratch.  I am very picky about my hot fudge.  Hate chocolate sauce and most jared hot fudge.  My favorite is Mrs. Richardson's.  And we have a local candy store here in Chicago that makes a good hot fudge.  So my maiden voyage, I picked an easy recipe from Allrecipies.com.  Just sweetened condense milk and chocolate.  I used chocolate chips and added a little vanilla.  It was good.  Next time I will use better chocolate.  I have made a couple of caramel sauces.  Last night I used brown sugar and half and half.  But previously I used coconut milk and honey and actually liked that one better.  Odd thing for a woman trying to lose 100 pounds to talk about.  But I am not going to deprived myself any more.  I only ate one bowl of ice-cream.  Usually it is at least two.  I may go 6 months now before I want more ice-cream and hot fudge.  Or it might be tomorrow.